“…if you are a birth keeper, you must also be a death midwife. If you support people to enter the earth realm, you must also become a midwife for those who pass on.” – Dr Mmatshilo Motsei
The first time I ever saw a dead body it was a baby.
I was 9 years old and we had very recently made the move to the farm.
The little girl had been born on the drive to the hospital after her mother had gone into labour on Christmas Eve. She had emerged whilst the bakkie (the pick up truck) was winding down Gydo pass, to the town of Ceres. She had lain, wet and alone, at her mother’s feet and had begun to grow cold. By the time they had reached the hospital she was no longer breathing.
(You can read AN’NOOI’S BIRTH STORY here)
At the funeral, which was held in the bushman graveyard on the farm, her father unscrewed her little coffin for us to all see. The coffin was no bigger than a shoe box.
She was perfect.
Beautiful.
Angelic.
I will never forget her face and her little fingers.
Her little body dressed and swathed in silken white.
She looked like she was asleep…
There was something so pure, so innocent about this death.
Her mother sobbed at her graveside whilst the rest of us looked on not knowing what to say.
My mother had been asked to oversee the funeral, she wore a big sun hat and read from the Bible. The women began to sing as the tiny coffin was covered in sad and red clay soil.
Assie verlossers huis toe gaan
Assie verlossers huis toe gaan
Oh Here help my dat ek kan saam gaan
Assie verlossers huis toe gaan
(When the saviours return home
When the saviours return home
Oh Lord help me, that I may return with them
When the saviours return home)
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Birth should be about life shouldn’t it?
And yet, as Mmatshilo’s quote illustrates, we cannot work in the realm of birth without knowing that death walks along this life giving force as well.
“We come from spirit, come from light, shining in the stars at night” – Martyn John Taylor (SHINE)
The fact that birth and death carry a similar energy became evident to me after I experienced the massive loss of having my mother, my sister and my step father wrenched from this life. Whilst I grieved, I also noticed the familiar tenderness that comes with the thinning of the veils, the sensitivity, the vulnerability, the same openness that I had carried after giving birth.
BIRTH AND DEATH ARE INFINITELY INTERTWINED
It is very difficult to talk about and face death when it accompanies birth. And yet it is a conversation that needs to be had.
How do we hold Death as birth attendants, birthkeepers, as space holders for birth?
I am not sure that I have the answers … but I do my best to initiate conversations and to create safe spaces for us to explore these topics that are so emotive and important in this work.
The following True Midwifery online offerings will explore this topic in depth and from different perspectives, in a safe and held container and within a beautiful community:
25 July 2024 – STUDY SPIRAL: Holding Grief and Loss in Pregnancy and Childbirth with Nadia Maheter
4 September 2024 – 15 January 2025 – Birth First Aid for Mother and Baby
14 November 2024 – 13 November 2025 – Silent Birthkeeper: One Year Immersion into True Midwifery
